The Secrets to a Happy Marriage

“Yes Dear.” Gentlemen, you learn those two words and you are halfway home. Appropriate for just about ANY question unless she asks if you have been unfaithful to her. Also, if your wife ever asks you ANY question and you take more than one “uh” to preface your answer, you are getting ready to lie.

“Hi, honey. You came home late last night. Where were you?”

“I was at uh, uh, uh…

I have been married for 33 years now and I really didn’t have any choice in the matter. It was one of those love-at-first-sight things. I joke about infidelity, but quite frankly, as much as I still love the female form, I could never face Karen or the look of betrayal. Just not a possibility.

Other secrets: never gamble (on the side, of course) and get drunk, and then hide your winnings in the house somewhere so you can find it later. What happens is, you forget all about it and a year or two later when you move out, your wife will inevitably find it. Of course, she will not let you KNOW she found anything. She WILL show up with a brand new bag and a few outfits all of a sudden. Another secret is do NOT go Christmas shopping for your wife when you are under the influence of prescription painkillers and holiday drinks. No matter what the intent, the results are you kind of “black out” at the bar (of course I was at the bar) and you forget you already did all your shopping. You don’t have any bags or anything! So you panic (probably ordered another drink) and out into the fray I went to buy the “forgotten” presents. I had “forgotten” that the paper slips in my pocket were receipts for the gift-wrapping service where I dropped off the presents. I couldn’t explain this whole situation without once again incriminating myself.

My wife had her best Christmas ever.

Published by maddogg09

I am an unmotivated genius with an extreme love for anything that moves the emotional needles of our lives.

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