I watched every televised stroke of the recently-completed Master’s at Augusta National.
I studied every swing of every golfer.
I analyzed the stance, the address, the takeback, and finally, the follow-through and hip twist of every top golfer.
I emulated them. I took the best part of each of their golf games and consumed this knowledge with a vengeance not yet seen by mortal man. I studied the telecast, broke it down, and went to my golf bag and started practicing my newfound knowledge in my back yard.
I was ready.
It was a clear and sunny morning in southern Ohio and the course was immaculate. It’s an Arthur Hills design with long par-5’s and a couple short par-3’s (I was only playing the back-nine). The fairways were low and the rough was treacherous; the sand traps were small and deep, almost like the small pot bunkers at St. Andrews.
But none of that affected my cool confidence as I was swaggered to the first tee, ready to tame the beast this fine morning.
I pulled out the driver, aka my Weapon of Mass Destruction.
I checked the hole layout with the GPS system provided with the cart. The wind was slight, about 5 mph. I looked down the left side of the fairway to my chosen landing spot, about 230 yards from the tee box. To my left were two short and fat geese, unfazed by my presence, even as I took several practice swings of my WMD in their vicinity. After watching my preparations, the two little assholes walked directly in front of the tee box, around 70 yards from me.
I waved my club, yelled and even threatened to approach them, but they were steadfast.
Okay, I thought. I tried to be nice. I tried everything to get you out of my way, but now you have put yourself in mortal danger from my drive. I sincerely hope this missile I am about to launch does not harm you.
I placed my ball on my tee, took a few more practice swings, aligned my feet and reared back for my drive.
I bitch-slapped the ball within feet of my two feathered friends.
They didn’t even flinch.
They knew.
I ended up golfing terribly. I was able to get around the course OK, but I was ready to call it after nine.
I ended up getting a 10 on that first hole.
Unfortunately, that first hole would not be the only 10 I carded. I had four 10’s, four 8’s, and a birdie on a short 95-yard par-3.
Can you venture a guess which was my favorite hole of the round?
Yep.
The first hole with those geese; I was laughing about that the rest of the day.
Keep ‘em on the short grass!
Stay well.
