Thanks But No Thanks

Before I became the Sexiest Amputee on Earth, I roamed the countryside with reckless abandon and two legs that very much resembled a Michelangelo statue. My parents raised me right and I have always respected any handicapped person with no sense of sympathy.

 I was raised to help people in need.

People that legitimately needed your time, assistance, or money.

I am at a very busy corner of Mill Avenue by the Arizona State University campus and it is about 4:30 pm on a Friday and everyone is hitting the streets.

I spot a person in a wheelchair and while I was patiently waiting, I could see they were pretty much “trapped” because no one was stopping or even asking if they needed any assistance. It was a typical one hundred degree October day, and for some reason, I took offense at this situation.

I stopped my car in the second lane and went over to the girl in the wheelchair. She was about ten years old (I guessed), but the older I get, everybody looks ten years old.

“Hey wait a second and I will stop the traffic so you can get across,” I shouted. The traffic noise wasn’t being helped by the two or three assholes who were honking their horns at me. Not at a situation of trying to help a handicapped person.

They were honking at me.

They hated me.

That is cold.

“No thanks,” she yelled back over the din of the smoke-belching vehicles.

“No problem. Wait right there,” I replied.

I made a big deal out of stopping each of the three lanes of traffic as I walked over to the girl.

She was looking quite irritated and I thought I’d be irritated as hell, too if I could not get across the street because no one was stopping or even slowing down.

I made it my mission, my raison d’etre, to do the right thing.

I knew my deceased mom would want me to


I saw her cup her hands as she yelled back, “No thanks, I don’t need any help.”

I decided otherwise, dumbass that I am.

I stopped all cars in both directions on a very busy Tempe street. On Friday rush hour.

I must admit I had a small moment of self-accomplishment before the horns started up again.

Now they were just pissing me off.

“Hey asshole! I told you I didn’t want your help. I hate people like you who don’t listen. Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone dipshit before I scream for the police!”

So I walked over to the girl in the wheelchair who was now just smirking at me

“Look!” she exclaimed as she leapt out of the chair and did the splits.

No shit.

The splits.

“This isn’t even my wheelchair, chops. So why don’t you piss off!”

The honking was annoying as hell

I was dumbfounded.

No clue.

Stay well.

Published by maddogg09

I am an unmotivated genius with an extreme love for anything that moves the emotional needles of our lives.

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