We are still in the stages of unpacking and I get to the box with my important papers in it. I was needing my birth certificate to present so I can get an Ohio driver’s license.
For the very first time in my life (it only took 67 years) I actually read my certificate.
My father’s name Diaz.
My mother’s name Cordova.
Both listed as white.
I am listed as white.
I’m a white boy.
This answers a LOT of things:
No wonder I am such a racist.
No wonder I like hamburgers so much.
No wonder I like watching disaster movies, the more destructive the better.
No wonder I think I’m a member of The Club.It alsoexplains why I think Chick-Fil-A qualifies as fine dining.
I guess I also have one beautiful white (and I mean Nordic white) wife and soulmate because subliminally I am a white boy.
But if I were white, why do I still look over my shoulder every single time I see a police car?
White people don’t do that.
They don’t have to.
Being white I guess explains why I understand things like Taco Tuesdays and TGIF. I guess it also explains why I actually look good in plaid.
When I was a chef and later a restaurant GM, there was no TGIF.
When I think about it, most of the women I find attractive have a common denominator.
They are typically well-built.
The next thing that has always stood out to me are the eyes, “the window to the soul.”
I think feline eyes are sexy as hell.
Now there is no such thing as color involved when considering sexual attraction.
And I will go on the record as saying if you do not find Halle Berry or Nicki Minaj attractive, well then, you are gay.
Nothing wrong with that.
But back to my newfound status as a white boy.
I am wondering if there is any legal way to recoup the lost money I paid as a law-breaking Hispanic. Fines, having to sit through “I’ll-never-drink-again classes, and of course you know I’ll be hitting them up for mental anguish and the lot.
And what about all the white girls I missed out on who did not want to date a Hispanic now matter how charming or ahem, good-looking I was? I suppose there should be some recompence, but now we’re talking some serious money. There should even be some money allotted to the gays who only like white boys and not Hispanics.
Not even Ripley.
I know I must have some white boy genes in me because I am starting to make sense out of some of the Republican dogma I keep getting bombarded with. And to clinch it, I golf and make fun of people who try to sing the national anthem but really suck.
Since I have been a white boy for all of 30 hours, I am still waiting for my bank account to increase just by waking up in the morning.