Ship Ahoy

You know, I always thought of the pirate as a romantic figure. Sailing across the open seas, obviously privy to some of the most beautiful sunsets known to man. However, it is hard to imagine one pirate playfully nudging a shipmate and commenting on how beautiful the sunset was and how its colors simply danced on the water!

Bad career move.

But, I do like the idea of boating to exotic (at that time) never-before-seen locations.

It’s the whole rape-pillage-plunder thing that I take issue with.

Pillage and plunder are basically the same thing; the behaviour, nevertheless, is unacceptable.

And yet we romanticize pirates to children (think Peter Pan and Hook as examples).

In reality, these were foul, smelly, bloodthirsty rapists and murderers that killed indiscriminately.

Not romantic role models, but since I lost my left leg, at least now I can go as Captain Morgan every year at Halloween.

Evidently, pirates may have had a heyday, but there are several pirates still operating. Stories of pirates successfully boarding and taking cargo ships hostage are commonplace now. Some of the larger shipping companies even budget for loss of their merchandise due to pirates.

Today’s pirates are different from their predecessors.

(Oh really, you think dumbshit? What a brilliant statement).

The pirates targeting the massive cargo ships today are from third-world, dirt-poor countries where political chaos rules. Some shipping lines are outfitting their ships with advanced weaponry to try and protect their assets.

I wonder how long it will take for someone to take a luxury liner and hold it hostage?

That brings up another pirate story.

When I was single, I had a very simple litmus test I would try on every date. I would ask a girl to dinner and after we had finished eating and I asked the server for the guest check,  I would turn to them very seriously and say “OK, I’ll get up and announce I am going to use the bathroom. Then I will sneak out and pull my car up….”

The reaction the girl had would decide whether the date was over and hence the possible relationship, or whether she was bat-shit crazy like me and it could be far out, man.

There was one girl in particular, who stared back in my eyes and very seriously stated “I’ve got a gun in my purse.”

I have no doubts my face was just like the commercial says.


It might have been the very first time in my life that I had been “had” to that degree, so I don’t know why we didn’t end up having a big fling, but I am absolutely certain it was a problem of her own. I might not have been as much of a hellraising badass as she wanted.

I was too tame for her.

I couldn’t let her into my mind because she would find hideous thoughts that scare the hell out of me.

And then I’d have to kill her.

Stay well.

Published by maddogg09

I am an unmotivated genius with an extreme love for anything that moves the emotional needles of our lives.

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