Tattoos

I don’t have any, but I think they are cool.

I think tattoos look much more impressive on a pair of big 20” guns than when a skinny little junkie has them. The Rock was made for tattoos and I am sure there are many who would love to take some serious time reading that guy’s body art including Domestic Despot Osama bin KAREN.

Shame on you.

I only had girlfriends with “stripper” tattoos, including the requisite lower back just-above-the-waistline.

At one time, I had shared my North Las Vegas condo with three “dancers.” I had befriended them at a gig where my band was playing. They were the nicest girls, and they looked like little cowgirls, with hats, kerchiefs, and jeans and boots. They had all moved to Vegas together and were needing to find a place to live.

It just so happened that another one of my girlfriends had recently tired of my bullshit and left me, so I had two extra rooms to rent.

There was only one rule: no “working” at the apartment.

They each paid me 800 dollars a month, so not only was I paying my mortgage down, I was doing it with G-string money. My mortgage was only 1200 a month, so of course I pissed away the extra money as well as any discretionary funds that made the mistake of finding their way into my money-grubbing hands.

So I’m old now, but I was a badass at one time.

Really.

So why didn’t this badass ever get a tattoo in all my 66 years?

Because when I was a tyke, my mommy said that God created my beautiful skin and only he could write on it.

And I believed her.

I hear that people mainly get tattoos when they are drunk. When I’m drunk, the last thing I want to do is sit in a chair and get inked with hot needles. And if I get too stoned, no way can I sit still for any reasonable length of time for anything.

I don’t care for tattoos with a lot of writing, because it would feel gay “reading” some guys’ tattoos.

I know it sounds sexist, but I would much rather strain my eyes and get a closer look at a well-put-together woman’s writing.

Shame on me.

Animals and heart-shaped tats are really common. It kinda freaks me out when people get tattooed with other people’s faces.

I’m on record as being a big Manchester United fan, but I won’t even get a “Go You Reds” or “Glory United” tattoo. I am OK with wearing my Man U kit with my Marcus Rashford shirt on matchdays.

Facial tattoos?

To purposely mangle my beautiful face would be an epic loss to all and a slap in the face to the Woman (or Man) upstairs. I just don’t have it in me to mess up their handiwork. Not after they obviously worked so hard to produce it.

Am I full of shit or what?

Stay well.

On Wednesdays, I post a reading from my book Emotions: Not your Mama’s ABC’s. Uner the letter J: